Muse Has Changed

My muse, whom I met when I was ten years old in my dreams who took on the form of a wise elder man with long white beard and mustache and small circular glasses. He would appear when I was alone in my room or at times when I was at school. He hardly ever spoke, but when he would it would be to the stance of: being careful of what I was doing and keep observant. I learned early to listen to him, but over time I grew less to listen, this of course frustrated him.

From age ten to fourteen, I found myself dreaming of a tropical island. A place for me to hide from the abuses, turmoils and angry; hurt-filled words of my mother. A place for me to hide and recoup from family and school stresses. I found that my muse, the one elder man that would follow me at school and hang around in my bedroom, who always walked on my left, was on the island, too. When I had first arrived on the island, in my dreams and meditations, I was afraid feeling I was alone, which I was for a few years, but gradually this man appeared. We would take walks around the island and into the woods and find waterfalls. I even found ruins of three stone towers in the near center of the island. (Later I would learn what these Three Towers were for and place them in my first manuscript)

It was not until June 22, 1995 that I had astral projected in my dreams to a new exciting world. I saw all its people, places, markets, shoreline, harbors, country side, animals and strange plant life, one being a pear shaped dark purple with pink spotted fruit. I found myself being filled with as much information about this world as I could carry in my mind on my journey back. I awoke back in my body that morning with refreshed vigor as though I was born and cleanly washed. For the next few days I set out to write the first few pages of the first manuscript which went through three different titles before settling on – Mythia.

It was not until a few months had past and I had written three new chapters at the beginning of the new school year of 1995, that I learned my muse’s name – Ynycornus. (Originally spelled Unicornus in some of my early writing class projects in between writing the first manuscript) Ynycornus by this time, was becoming someone I could depend on. He was full of wisdom and compassion toward what I was going through. I loved him dearly for being who he was, even though I became frightened in thinking I was hallucinating him due to the abuses of my mother.

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I asked a school nurse, she had no answers.

I asked my creative writing teacher and English teacher and they said that this being was my muse, which is what I already understood, but not too deeply at the time.

Summer 1996, by then I had finished the small manuscript of 18 chapters hand written on three lined notebooks. I was starting to either come up with or information I already possessed of the Mythian world into my daily thought process; along with the long conversations with Ynycornus to dive deeper into what I was trying to understand.

Then, one night into my sleep and dreaming, I came onto the island at night. A fire pit was burning on the beach. No one was around that I could see. The cool night air was chilly, but that fire kept me warm as I waited. I knew Ynycornus would appear once more. Not long after, he walked out from the thick forest onto the beach from behind me. He wore a long blue robe trimmed in silver thread. His beard was trimmed and nice, but his long white hair was left alone. The firelight caught in the reflection of his eyes mesmerized me.

There we sat and talked for a few hours, at least the length of time in which I was asleep in my bed. I had astral projected to the island and didn’t want to leave it. The conversation became serious, Ynycornus picked from his inside robe pocket a lavender flower woven ring. To this day I can not figure out what the pattern to the ring actually was, but I could tell he crafted it himself out of three stocks of lavender flower.

He said calmly as he took my left hand, “I harm you in any way, you may take my life.”

My heart pounded in my chest. This wasn’t exactly a marriage proposal, but a pact nonetheless. So, I put forth my answer – ‘I harm you in any way, you may take my life, but I was not know you in my future incarnations.’

He nodded in agreement, “But if I take your life, I will always remember you and that will be my torture. If you take my life, we will never know of the other in the futures there after.” He paused, love in his eyes, “I love you. Nothing will change that.” Slipping the lavender ring on my ring finger, we leaned in and kissed, but not passionately, just a simple good kiss.

There for the rest of my dream, we talked by the fire until I awoke. I could feel a gentle throbbing of my wedding finger as though a ring had actually been there.

A quick recap – Ynycornus, my muse, appears for the first time to me when I was ten years old as an elder wise man with long beard and long white hair and small round glasses.

Age sixteen, we made the pact on the southern beach on what I assumed was the Isle of Mythia. So, Ynycornus has been with me from 1990 to 1996 and then…

He’s still there, up until I graduated high school in 1999. From mid 1999 to 2005, Ynycornus appears ever so often here and there when he senses that I needed him. Nothing too serious or too odd does he appear, but in short bursts. I think nothing of it.

But then, everything changed on March 18, 2006 on my birthday. I was newly married of just a few months from August 2005. Feeling stressed with my new life, I’m alone in the apartment while my new husband was at work on the 2nd shift at a manufacturing company. I’m in tears and in my stress I see Ynycornus appear right before my eyes in front of the fireplace newly dressed – long black trench coat, still the signature long white hair to mid back, tall and stunning blue eyes. Pale cream white dress shirt, black dress pants and black dress shoes.

He tells me many things that I had missed on Mythia. That I’m welcome to return at any time as I wish, but that I must find a way to stop hanging around on just the island. That I must come to the mainland and visit him in the castle and see the High Council. He then changes his attitude seeing I’m stressed and unhappy with my life at this point.

Things gradually get worse with the man I married. So much so that I resorted to writing in my LiveJournal to keep track of everything he said, did and turned back onto me. I had to keep track if I was going mad. Which later I would learn he was the mad one with mental illness and an abusive upbringing. Ynycornus helped me through all of those married years. Keeping me on track with my writing in my LJ and making me take walks and forcing me to dance when I needed to.

Then, from 2009 to 2013 things got a whole hell of a lot worse with the marriage with the abusive fool. I won’t go into details, you’ll have to read my novels (when they are published) to learn more. Ynycornus told me his story of how his last human life was so harsh. I had bothered him for many years since 1996 what his other lives were like. He was always reluctant to tell me anything, but never raised his voice to me to shut up or anything like that. He understood that I was just naturally curious, but when he finally told me the truth I was blown away.

I found compelled to write his story and he encouraged it all the way. He would stand behind me on my left at the desk which his arms folded against his chest in a stern stance that, “Why aren’t you writing this down? I gave it to you. Now, do your part. I want you to tell my story.”

He never demanded or ordered me to write as though he were a drill sargent, but at times he came close. It was also during this time that I wrote down all our conversations on the otherside or on Mythia in the astral plane or in the dreaming. I couldn’t get enough of what all he had to say to me. Later, I would learn a regretful lesson in that – One must always listen to their muse on every creative thing they ask of you no matter how daunting or minute the task is in any form of writing it takes. Let me put it to you this way – The three black hard bound books are lost possibly forever at the USPS in Seattle or Massachusetts distribution centers cause I lost the tracking number and the USPS trashed the send to address. However, I did type up as much as I could onto my LJ way ahead of time, but apparently it wasn’t quite enough.

Once I divorced the abusive ass-hole in early 2013, I moved back with my parents in Tennessee for two years. To make this part short, back to the abuses of my mother and on top of that my father was mad with grief and Prozac anti-depression pills and my brother was really messed up due to drinking and paranoid schizophrenia. Mind, my mother died mid October 2016.

Well, as you could have guessed, Ynycornus was right there at my side again to keep me vigilant and protected the best he knew how – keeping me occupied with my writing of manuscripts still continuing to tell his story of his last human life (book 2). However, before I was safe to move back to Washington state, Ynycornus told me plan as I hear another human being talk to me face to face, “I will be with you for five more years.”

I was shocked, to say the least. What he said at that moment resonated with me from 2010 when I stood in the empty house I was about to buy with the fool I married. I had stood there in the kitchen calmly staring at the dish washer while he signed papers with the realtor, “I’m only going to be here for two years,” I whispered to myself.

I didn’t ask Ynycornus why he would be leaving me as I felt that it was something he just had to do. He had done this once before from 1999-2006, but this time felt permanent. There was nothing I could do. He then reassured me that a replacement would come a few months before he left, a training period for the new muse or spirit guide. He wouldn’t tell me who it was, but as he told me this, I got a pretty good idea who since I had been researching character names for the second book.

Here it is now, March 19, 2017, my birthday of the 18th has now gone and so has Ynycornus. I awoke this morning of not feeling any presence from him, not even a hint of a linger in the house in which I live in now with my new love of my life.

In his place though, for about six months, his son Ambros was in training. Now Ambros has taken up his father’s place as my muse and not too sure if he’d be considered a spirit guide for me considering I think anything spiritual that I learned up to age 36 has now been finished. I figure if there is any wisdom I may still need from Ynycornus, Ambros could easily relay that back to his father on the otherside at least.

Now, anyone reading this may figure I’m insane, mad from the abuses that I experienced while growing up in an abusive household, along with the nearly ten year abusive marriage. Well, my psychiatrist had a few things to say about all of this, that I had relayed to him in Fall 2013 to 2015.

Dr. K said, “Ynycornus is a well developed part of your subconscious. A collection of men you admired over the years that express your inner most strength of who you want to become for your ambitions as a writer and artist. It is perfectly normal to have this highly developed subconscious able to breach the waking conscious mind in communicating with you in times of great need. Most people such as yourself who have been through a lot of abuse don’t have coping mechanisms like this. Statistically, most people have been abused who don’t have coping techniques of any kind that are healthy, turn to drugs and other harmful addictions that make matters worse. You’re one of the lucky ones. In my twenty-five years of psychiatry I have never come across a success such as yourself in dealing with your abused life so strongly. You are your own protagonist in your life’s story. You should be proud of that.”

In conclusion – Ynycornus is and will always been a treasure to me in my soul and mind. Without him I do not know where I would have ended up. As for his son Ambros who has taken up this task of watchful muse for my written works, I gladly accept his admiration in taking up his father’s legacy. In all fairness, maybe Ambros is a younger form of Ynycornus and he just decided to change his name, cause you know, Ambros does look a lot like his father and dresses the same with the trench coat and long white hair, but there’s something he’s hiding behind that coat. If it’s more mysteries of my subconscious, I’m willing and able to face these new life changes head on!

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this in depth look into my psyche.

Thank you and take care.